Lam Si Xiao
Blk 123A Tampines Drive 14
#05-67 Singapore 123456
92343231
lam_sixiao@yahoo.com.sg
7th February 2009
Ms Lily Tan Chu Mei
Deputy Director of Human Resource Department
i Raffles Link, #03-01 South Lobby
Singapore 039393
Dear Ms Tan,
I am a third-year undergraduate majoring in Mathematics at National University of Singapore (NUS).
I chose to study Mathematics as I have strong analytical skills and logical thinking which serves this area of study well. However, I am very interested in the banking field. I would like to ask whether your institution could accommodate me as an Intern for 10 weeks in the month of May-August 2010. I do hope to be given a chance to intern at the Investment Banking division though I am very willing to try other departments too as a good way to gain more exposure and build a strong foundation.
I have constantly made use of my electives modules to learn more about the finance sector. They include: Principles of Economics, Macroeconomic Analysis and Money-and-Banking. Currently, I am taking Principles of Accounting. I have also taken modules such as Communication to the Academy and Professional Communications to further hone my presentation and writing skills.
Outside of academics, I grasp opportunities to learn about the finance sector too. Last year, I went with a group of 20 students for a Finance Trip to Hong Kong, where we visited financial institutions and did an exchange with finance tertiary students there. I gained more understanding of how the industry is like and had a chance to talk to some of the executives to learn about their day of work.
It was during this visit that I came across Credit Suisse. The executive we had a talk to was a Physics Major himself and he encouraged non-business students to also apply for banking as people from different disciplines contribute to diversity, which is important for innovation and vibrancy. The bank also has a pleasant and professional working environment which drew me and led me to apply for an internship here.
In addition, as I was more familiar with Hong Kong , I was tasked with organizing the group and bringing them around. There I learned organization and planning and also assumed a leadership role and learn to deal with problems as they arised during the trip.
I went for a semester of exchange at the University of Copenhagen, Denmark last semester. This opportunity to immerse in a very different culture had allowed me to acquire a more global perspective than before.
Having joined band and symphony orchestra and being involved in Campus Crusade where I was involved in planning and organizing events, I have confidence that being in such environments where one is required to interact with many different people have taught and mold me to be a good team player.
I hope to be given the opportunity to learn under your organization. I believe my logical thinking and analytical skills from my Mathematics studies and my personal experiences will be able to make a contribution to the team that I am assigned to.
Thank you for your kind attention and I truly look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely,
Si Xiao Lam
Hi Si Xiao,
ReplyDeleteYour application is very concise and succinct with all the relevant experiences and skills elaborated on. Your transition from academia to experiences and skills is also very effective.
Some of your sentences use the linker ‘and’ too frequently, you should employ the use of other linkers as well to avoid sounding repetitive.
Also, a few points to note for sentences and the grammar – ‘I would like to request an internship with your institution…’, ‘intern in the Investment Banking division…’ and ‘I was part of a group of 20 students…’
Also, I feel that there are too many paragraphs such that the reader might get overwhelmed on looking at the letter. Maybe you can combine the common paragraphs and improve the overall layout and impression.
The closing paragraph could also include a request for an interview to further discuss your qualifications or to meet with the employer. This will add a professional touch to the letter.
Hope it helps! All the best!
Regards,
Prameet
Hi Si Xiao,
ReplyDeleteI feel that you managed to convey your academic and personal experience to the reader. The letter is clear and conrete.
However, I feel that the letter contain too many segments. You may want to join some of the paragraphs together. On top of it, you can try to keep some sentences short or break them apart.
For example, "Having joined band and symphony orchestra and being involved in Campus Crusade where I was involved in planning and organizing events, I have confidence that being in such environments where one is required to interact with many different people have taught and mold me to be a good team player."
Pertaining to the job, I feel that it will be better if you can state any sales experience if you have any. You can also state that you are updated to the current news.
Regards
Kenneth
Hi SiXiao,
ReplyDeleteYou have managed to convey your academic qualification, skills and personal experience to the reader. The letter is clear but according to the 7Cs, there is still room for improvement for the correct structure as well as a proper starting and an ending.
A few improvements may be as following:
1. For the general layout, you may want to cut down on the number of paragraphs as it makes it quite intimidating for the reader to be reading so many paragraphs. Also, if you wish to break down the paragraph, please make sure there is a connector between the two such that the reader can find it easy to follow.
2. Conciseness can be improved for this paragraph, “Having joined band and symphony orchestra and being involved in Campus Crusade where I was involved in planning and organizing events, I have confidence that being in such environments where one is required to interact with many different people have taught and mold me to be a good team player.”
You may want to focus on the strong interpersonal skills you have as you have honed your skills in this CCA, using words such as “strong” draws the attention to your skill and not to the learning process you went through which may be comparingly less impressive.
3. The starting should be referring to the job post/advertisement or “refer to enclosed resume”. The ending can be stating that you are willing to furnish additional information and bring in the point that you do want to meet them personally.
In a nutshell, you have displayed your qualification, strengths and skills clearly but it will be more impactful if the structure of the application letter is further edited. I am sure this will be a very good chance for us to apply the 7Cs in the letter writing.
Hope this helps!
Regards,
Shu Yan