This conflict involves my close friend Joanne and I and had happened recently.
During a holiday, Joanne and I were both touring in different countries A and B but we decided to tour country C together and needed to settle on a date.
Being concerned over the prices, Joanne had went ahead to book her own ticket on a set date that was the cheapest for herself. I had no choice but to buy my ticket on the same date too. However I discovered that while flying on that set date is cheapest for Joanne, it is the most expensive for me to fly from country A to C. I was angry and sent an email to express my displeasure. Joanne did give a call to say she was sorry and sounded nice and apologetic. However, I was still appalled by her insensitivity and selfishness and felt that she was only saying sorry nicely because she had already gotten what she wanted.
After that we returned to Singapore and Joanne gave a call sounding as cheerful and happy as ever. However I really found it hard to have a normal genuine conversation with Joanne as the incident is still etched in my mind. However Joanne is probably not aware of this.
The problem is that if I decide to continue with this friendship, how can I resolve this displeasure that I have against her so that we can be genuine friends again? Could I have perhaps failed to consider some things from Joanne's perspective? Or could I have resolved the issue right then and there when the event happened instead of letting it drag on to this day?
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Hi Sixao,
ReplyDeleteFirstly, I would like to comment on the excellent flow of the paragraph, it is also very direct and easy to understand.=)
Next I will move on to suggest some ways how this conflict might have been resolved.
To effectively resolve an incident like this, I find that the timing is important.So I would say that it is important to settle it right then and there and perhaps decide whether you should fly on that date at that point of time.
However, relating to the point that she did apologize, it might have been more helpful that when she was apologizing you went on to ask her about what actually led her to make her own decision without informing you. This is the step two of the conflict resolution model: speak and listen.
To listen to her explanation before making your decision about how to continue the conversation with her, that is to voice your displeasure and hope that she can realize that you are bothered by how she had acted.
Next you move on to step three of the mode: think,it is not only thinking about how to resolve the conflict but from her perspective. My primary guess is that she made her decision on her own without informing you is that she probably thought you might not be serious about going with her. In her mind, she might have been prepared to go alone but she was unaware of how seriously you treated the trip to country C with her. There might be a discrepancy in the level you view your friendship with her and how she views hers with you at that point of time. Of course, there might be other factors which we may not know of e.g. finance or schedule. However, I am by no means saying she doesn't value your friendship, it might be just that she isn't aware of how genuine a friend you are to her.
To salvage this friendship, the best thing to do now is to let her know how you feel about your friendship with her and bring up that incident that made you really upset. If you value it and wish to continue with this friendship, be frank with her about that "little prick" that is still in your heart. Only then will she realize that you are serious about having a genuine friendship with her.She has to realize that she has to start looking at things from your perspective.
Perhaps a simple resolution at that point of time could be this:
Now pretend that I am her, after I realized that it was really insensitive of me to have done that. Perhaps a solution I would have offered will be to share that extra cost with you after realizing your displeasure. Afterall, one ticket is already the cheapest and even the other is expensive, the cost should balance out to when both are travelling at the average price.
However, we must also understand that not everyone is well to do and can afford to pay that extra cent.This might call for a little more understanding on your part.
I do hope that you can resolve this conflict and find your genuine friendship back with her=)Of course, that also calls for effort on her part.
Regards,
Shu Yan
Hi Si Xiao,
ReplyDeleteI agree , on hindsight, with Shu Yan that the best way is probably to deal with it during the time this occurred.
Instead of emailing her to make known your displeasure, I might actually call her to ask her why did she do that before getting angry. I feel that sending email may not be as effective as talking to the person as it may not be easy to understand the tone of the message unless it really sounded very offensive with caps lock etc. With a proper conversation, words that sounded less offensive can be used while letting the tone to deliver the message across.
Looking at the brighter side, perhaps most of the flights from A to C are more expensive and it just happened that the flight you took is the most expensive. It might be the case for other airlines too.
I feel that you should to talk to her again and let her know that you are still affected by it and you value this friendship. Let her know that you need her help in order to continue this relationship. Else the barrier may be harder to break in the future. Of course, this take 2 hands to clap. All the best!
Regards,
Kenneth
Hi Si Xiao,
ReplyDeleteThis is indeed a difficult issue you have as the problem seems to be one-sided and the other party is unaware of it. This can cause a possible break in your relationship should you reach your breaking point one day and have an outburst.
It would indeed have been better that you had resolved the issue or brought up your displeasure that day itself to ensure she knew you were still upset and that you were not satisfied by her apology. You should have explained your precise feelings to her so that she could see from your point of view as well and understand you better. Moreover, you could have found out from her why she did what she did without considering the costs incurred by you, or at least consulting you before booking her tickets.
An earlier attempt at resolution would also have meant that you could have avoided the unnecessary emotional discomfort and stress over such a long period of time till now.
To ensure a ‘genuine’ friendship again, I think it is vital that you bring up the issue with her at the earliest possible instead of putting it off till later as this might make matters worse. I would suggest you sit down with her calmly and tell her that you were hesitant to bring it up but the issue has been bothering you ever since and it is important that you resolve it now. This might also prevent the same incident from occurring in the future.
This should help her realize her mistake and an understanding can be reached for the benefit of both.
Lastly, your post has been written very succinctly and concisely, making it easy to read. However, a point to note is that you were switching between the present and past tense as in ‘it is the most expensive for me..’ which should have been ‘it was the most expensive for me…’. I would suggest writing in the past tense throughout out as it is a lot easier to write. Also, a couple of grammar mistakes like ‘Joanne went ahead to…’ instead of ‘Joanne had went ahead…’. I think you just need to proofread your post before putting it up.
Hope the suggestions help :).
Regards,
Prameet